Fishball Face ( :B )
So precious
It wasn't always this way. There was a time I loved my mother wholeheartedly. She was everything to me, so I clung to her side. Growing up I gained understanding of what was happening. In between the confusion of ''loving mommy'' and seeing dad and my sister in despair, I was discovering her wreckage. If we needn't grow up I would not have had to learn. I wouldn't have unloved her.
This is given to many. But I think it's fortunate to have a mother you can love. Trepidation, avoidance, intolerance, annoyance. Such are feelings harbored toward an enemy. These are my few and only feelings at home.
Yet you know, I was actually born positive and sprightly. It was literally in me. I'd always put myself in the middle of fights. I waved madly with a retarded toothy smile trying to get quarrels to stop. I made sure my grouchy sister smiled for our photographs (she was angry all the time because of our mother). Back then in spite of the terrible situation I bounced around every day, laughing like the world was daisies and sunflowers. I irritated the f-ck out of my sister, she said.
But now... I am a far cry from other girls with bigger and brighter personalities. I'm a shadow of my natural self. To most people I seem to be overly emotional, distant and sometimes disconnected. And it doesn't matter because I don't live for them. I am disappointed in myself. I know I would feel complete if I could genuinely sparkle the way I did in those first years of my life. I could have been, but I am no longer the girl with sunflowers in her hair.
Fishball Face, the one who looks at everything and every one through rose-tinted glasses, has left me for good. Today I no longer aspire to be the life of the party. I no longer aspire to influence everybody around me into happiness. I only want to never lose myself, more than I already have. It's enough blessing to feel specks of happy at work and with my closest ones.
I choose to run when it comes to my mother. I wish I could aspire to love her a little more. But it's beyond me.
This is given to many. But I think it's fortunate to have a mother you can love. Trepidation, avoidance, intolerance, annoyance. Such are feelings harbored toward an enemy. These are my few and only feelings at home.
Yet you know, I was actually born positive and sprightly. It was literally in me. I'd always put myself in the middle of fights. I waved madly with a retarded toothy smile trying to get quarrels to stop. I made sure my grouchy sister smiled for our photographs (she was angry all the time because of our mother). Back then in spite of the terrible situation I bounced around every day, laughing like the world was daisies and sunflowers. I irritated the f-ck out of my sister, she said.
But now... I am a far cry from other girls with bigger and brighter personalities. I'm a shadow of my natural self. To most people I seem to be overly emotional, distant and sometimes disconnected. And it doesn't matter because I don't live for them. I am disappointed in myself. I know I would feel complete if I could genuinely sparkle the way I did in those first years of my life. I could have been, but I am no longer the girl with sunflowers in her hair.
Fishball Face, the one who looks at everything and every one through rose-tinted glasses, has left me for good. Today I no longer aspire to be the life of the party. I no longer aspire to influence everybody around me into happiness. I only want to never lose myself, more than I already have. It's enough blessing to feel specks of happy at work and with my closest ones.
I choose to run when it comes to my mother. I wish I could aspire to love her a little more. But it's beyond me.