# 299

I wake up early these days because breakfast is enticing.

Marks & Spencer strawberry-coated flakes super yum!!

Well hope y'all had a merry season teeheh.

Glad to say mine turned out better than expected.

24.12.10 EVE

East Coast; Barbecue session with Jayfloss, Ruby & click.,

oh and and 3 great girls Magdalene, Shernice, Eileen.

Bunch of awesome people! Life tracks back sometimes.

2006 was the year I last celebrated Cmas w Jay at the same place,

on the same day, doing the very same things.

Tent-pitching/free flow food/alcohol/crazy games till dawn.

Didn't wanna be humanburger in town

or end up in pub-filled with youngsters spraying snow.

Needed a relax Christmas. 5566 seaview haha!

Here's visuals from the night. Credits to Benj.

Too chill that I only took four pictures of Mag and I.

Benj.

Eileen who drank for 2, Shernice shared gossip haha, Mag wears bluff shoes,

Carol um... slouches in photos.

Chatted w Mag mostly she's really nice.

Ohhh ya the pit was a 20min walk to Mcdonalds (restrooms).

So engrossed in conversation that we happily strolled past our friends while returning,

still oblivious, we carried on until arriving at far end of the park,

saw the staircase tower and finally realized something was wrong AHA.

Apparently they saw us miss the pit and called out but neither of us responded.

Dam retarded know!!

I said "Funny face!!" Cute right Mag.

 Mac, macmac, macmacmac, macmac, macmac, macmacmacmac.. DRRINK!!

I think Jay the Thaiboy came up with it. Haha. :B

Never play frog game when everyone's high. Total fail.

25.12.10 CHRISTMAS

Slept at 10am on the day itself.

Met up with neighbor for supper at Heartland Mall's HK Cafe.

Felt ultra bad I didn't prepare anything but M&S liquor-filled chocs

only to find out he don't fancy chocolates. Walau fussy!

Hahahaha. Supposed to accompany him have his meal,

in the end he ordered dim sum and I ate most of it. :n\

Handmade XL stocking, coolmax.

Thank you Berd.

And the worst part, after work on Cmas he drove around,

first to pick up Elyn then Gardens to check out pubs...

waiting for us to decide on our plans. Before bringing us to my house

where I spent the night drinking away with Bao downstairs.

(whole bot of vodka given by him as well) Oh man.

All these despite seeming quite tired.

Thank you again neighbor! :D

He probably won't read this though.

26.12.10 POST-CHRISTMAS

Pops' place in the evening.

Dearest AD surprised us w headphones!!

Hurray. Planning to catchup on Vampire Diaries soon,

will come in handy.
And now I can blast the volume when learning songs!
I love almost-family days.
Just gathered in front of the tv, growing fat from snacks,
listening to Daddy go on and on about life lessons. :o)

I actually watched Hello Stranger again w Sissy and Kaori.
Hahaha whatever funny still made me laugh a second time.
Yea thats how much I enjoyed the movie. Romantic-ca!


Probably be home on New Year's eve. Ok, today.

Hopefully this can work magic and heal me in time for 1 Jan!

Yellow balls.

Yikes 1:22AM I am way past my goaltime.

Goodnight folks!

# 298

Dinner w Shishi yesterday.

She reached home and came out again just to acc me.

Aww, Im officially her temporary lover.

$6.50 per hour/1.5 times if OT. (SMRT rate)
Left her at 11:20pm so thats a lot of overtime.
Where's my pay dearie?!? Hahaha.
I've never understood all the hype about KOI bubble tea,

had it once; wasn't anything worth the ridiculous queue.

But we chanced across another chain: Taiwan's SUPER.

 The red bean milk tea is dam good. Sugar 50%.

Friends go try go try when you're at Amk central.


}

Totally digging the band >> SONS OF SYLVIA.

Like 'em enough Im gonna get their Revelation album!

Love Left To Lose

Rocking vocals. Plus lead singer's hot....

Musical geniuses are exceptionally hot don't you think. ;b

Hooked on a few vids of their performances, really talented trio.
I wanna catch them live someday!


Lastly, in case I don't check in here till after 25th,
MERRY CHRISTMAS FELLAS!
Plow happiness out of Santa! :D

Big-ass Carebear *waves*

# 297

Uncle Benny's staying at our place for 10 days!

Hooray because MonsterMom will cut me some slack.

Phew. Anddddd finally a proper dinner.

Been eating maggi mee 5x a week man.

Stocked up like mad from Korean mart at Thomson.

Apparently no MSG, but stillll. Hair Loss.

Sigh. Yummy though....

Anyway, with Facebook who still blogs these days?

Quite silly to upload on both ends isn't it?

Santa in three days and Im not feeling merry at all.

Entirely lost my voice yesterday. Coughed through the night.

But Woods' Peppermint Syrup is dope!

Better than Pei Pa Koa (don't ask me why they spell it this way).

This post is utter random. Hahahha.

Okay I should just go ketchup tv, 破天网.

A mixture of cranky-high now.

Cranky from nose block. High on cranberry juice.

Ohh did I share secret about my favorite drink?

I pour one glass every night. Must have ice.

I sit in the hall, plug music and sip on it leisurely,

maybe due to influence of color or taste.... it actually reminds me of wine.

Retarded yes yes but somehow doing that helps me rejuvenate.

Cranberry magic! Heh hokay. Goodnight

Cutting my fringe tomorrow wish me luck.

# 296

I think, I've gotten used to life without a special someone.

You learn to love yourself more. Which is partially good.


Gonna catch Let Me In with Ivy honey in few hours!
Based on Swedish film Let The Right One In (2008) which I thought nice,
am excited how the Americans have tweaked their version.




Also, after long anticipation... Hello Stranger yesterday.
Finally know! And I really needed the laughs from this movie.
5 stars 5 stars.



Hahahhaha now Im contented.

# 295

Today I'm happy.

Sorry to Dear Auhclorac and perhaps readers if any,

that this space is often plagued with my failure moods.

Best thing that has happened to me in a long, long while.

Haha. I woke up sweating, yet another nightmare

but after a call from BHF and piece of delightful news at my bedside....

in an instant all I felt was really 'Fxck dreams. This is reality.'

Wish I could smile from the bottom of my heart

every single day of my life. (:

Im thankful to a lot of people. Most importantly thank you God.

Im not Christian, not even one of Your faithful believers.

Throughout the years I pray to You for courage and strength, 

sometimes it slips my mind or maybe Im too exhausted to trust.

Such bad conduct, still, when I finally come back

You are always listening.

Happiness grows at our own firesides

and is not to be picked in strangers' gardens.

- Douglas Jerrold

# 294

Sing a song of 6pence a pocket full of rye,

4 and 20 blackbirds baked in a pie

# 293

Did you think I would rob you of your new happiness?
Once I might have been a beggar. But I'm no thief.

Someone whom I used to share almost everything with

is now the same someone who bails at the sound of my name.

Wonder if this hurt is even bearable.

Runaway. Run, runaway.

# 292

(enable 'cc' for English sub)

Big inspiration.

Love that they don't conform to your regular girl band.

Their music, dance, attitude, dressing styles ---

Four very talented and charismatic females.
Impressive live.

# 291

Wish I am blinded now rather than knowing I was blinded in the past.

Even that last promise, I've decided not to fulfill anymore.

atb

Devastating night.. but strangely calm headed.

Sapporo beer and clapclap. Goodnight at 9 oclock am.

Thank you floss-the-piss-niggas. Rockstar!

# 290

Ultra refreshed after a swim in the night.

Water was freezing cold but I jumped in anyway.

Haha. And there was no one else. Entire pool to myself..
though a wee bit freaky when I noticed this shadow floating the surface.

Out of nowhere. For one split second it looked like someone's head.

Clearly alone in the pool yet above me there was movement. Scary.
Some kid dropped his big grey balloon.

-___-)

Under 'dark' water with sparse spotlights/linear patterns being the only things in sight,

my mind feels free, just fixed on counting laps.
^m^


Super excited!! Gonna meet Pris and Yvonne tmrw.
Primary school friends waaah.
Lucky for me picnic cancelled, bbbbecause how else can I contribute
besides finishing up all their food. :\
Alright alright Im dling Jamie Oliver's app now.
Shucks. Too many faces in this entry ah?

# 289

Twisted from underneath the carpet in my heart

and came right out.

# 288

Same dream, different setting.
I need to get it done today.

# 287

Feeling disappointed, in people.

Whoever whatever whenever.

Nothing new actually. I knew it long ago.

People just aim to talk about themselves.
They listen when they accidentally fall into the same misery.

They care only if they remember how it's like.

Other than that, who gives a fuck about your story?
Who needs to hear sorrow while basking in happy days?

This is how I learnt to keep quiet.

Come or go - People will be a bonus.

I'll be safe attached to myself.
And really.... no one else.

Strange, but a decision that makes me happy. (:

I'ma sleep early tonight.

With Eminem's music in the background.

Yes Eminem. You didn't hear wrong.

He puts me to sleep.

# 286

Keyboard lesson at Jayy's, L4D2 Parang version,

late night Harry Potter the movie with BigSis.

Yea it's a teeny weeny step. Im almost starting from scratch

but at least I feel closer to what I wanna achieve in music

- being able to play and sing, possibly create my own songs.

So an eventful & happy day helps to take the mind off missing pieces in life.
(:


On a side note:

Ohhhmg Emma Watson has perfect features to die for.

Um though I'd still prefer Kristen Stewart any time!! Heh

She's the epitome of striking beauty and aura. No you cannot disagree.

Love that aloofness offscreen, versatility in her sense of dressing

(proven: girls need not always be in tight black dresses to look good)..

G-Gorgeous. Charms I off I feet.

# 285

Finally done packing the clutter of a wardrobe!!

Hoho it looks mighty neat now I am excited to go out

just so I can choose clothes haha.

Blood runs thicker than water.

My number 1 is coming home in January.

Chelly chelly chelly. *chants*

With BigSis!

Following visuals taken last year at Peishan's housewarming:

(In the midst of 'shorter hair experiment' before I snipped it alll off)

No regrets, though Im growing it long again I think. ;]

Photoshoot of lil Prince.

I ♥ my couzins.

Hardly write about them as Chelly's in Australia, Peishan's a proud mommy of 2 already.

But we share a truckload of memories growing up together;

weekly dinners, cny gambling, hot milo and stayovers etc...

because our parents are close enough to get 3 properties right beside one another.

-_zzz Heh.

 

Time flies. PP (secret nick for ps) started a family of her own.

She used to tell us the simple dream of finding a good husband and raising lovely children.

Indeed! Mission accomplished.

There's nothing simple about it actually, to identify your soulmate out of the many.

The confidence in building a life for two and more..

thats why Im really happy for her. Clap clap

 

And bonus brownie: PP's older boy Zenden super adorable!

Look attttt him!

 

Ohmy elephanto lantern cute x2

HAHAHAHAHHA HOT AH??!? (double meaning)

Aawww :*)

I'll bet Ray baby is as handsome as his brother hee.

Okay running late.

Gona head town to meet my click clique.

TBG 4-1 Hopefully we can catch a movie.

Have a great weekend!

# 284

Many days like today will make a day with no return.

I should stop expecting her to act as a mother.

All the unnecessary disappointment and pain.

Been years, yet the root of problem is too simple.

Every huge fight I curse. I swear. I hate.

These emotions are so intense I believe it is permanent.

After some time though, I am looking at her again through eyes of a daughter to mother.

I tread fucking carefully in my own house.

Even when I have become tolerant towards her nonsense and mastered the art of ignoring....
Why is it still so dam difficult to keep peace?

Pops and BigSis have probably forgiven her. Definitely not forget.

I'll never be able to enjoy a mother's unconditional love no matter how I envy others or hope for change.
What am I waiting for?

BigSis said it didn't hurt anymore the day she gave up expecting her to behave like one.
I just need-to-let-go.

Me. I find it impossible to ever forgive.

Bad karma maybe. Afterall she brought us up.

But few can understand the extremity of losing a feeling called 'guilt'.
I've tried my best to fix things.

Lucky for us AD came into our lives.

What started out as a slightly awkward relationship gradually developed into an endearing family count.

She's genuinely concerned about our well-being
and from the small quiet gestures done for us/my daddy,

there's nothing more heartwarming than her presence.

Once after a heated argument w Pops,
reached home to receive an sms explaining on behalf of my Dad,

reminding me that despite harsh words he loves me a lot

and letting me know I can come to her whenever, for whatever.

Mega sweet. Almost mommy to me. (*:
Thank God.

# 283

专属 最后也变平凡

# 282

What is the world coming to?!

And we're not even talking about plastic surgery.

Haha this is alien funny though.

}

Ooh finally got my hands on Eat Pray Love (book) yesterday.

Thankew BigSis!

Yes, something to do while accing Ivy on study trips.

Life has been random. Time alone sets me thinking a lot.

Remove fear, enter focus.

4-word phrase that was the root of all incapabilities.

e.g. How much I wish I could sing without fear.

Working doubly hard on it.

# 281

Harmonisation.

# 280

Yes Halloween eve for me was spent at home.

Somehow aft visiting Zouk in August,

plus a few weekends of beer and ktv...

October has been relatively home-ish.

Its not entirely good

given the fact that closure was made not long ago.

More alone time to dwell and mess up recovery, tssk.

You know how people tend to create social boundaries?

Like "Oh Im from a girls' school my friends should all be English-speaking."

or "Look at them now. Probably gona be the same 10 years down."
Sure enough I do my fair share of judgement too.

But Im glad I've close friends who are different in many ways;

be it personality, lifestyle, interests, mannerism etc.

There's something to learn from each and every one of them.

A particular trait or strength.

And I think it's really important because

I'll always have genuine company no matter what Im up to.

For instance my clique doesn't sing (much less chinese songs haha)

but then its alright. I have a handful who share my passion for music.

When I feel lazy and just wana chill with good food,

TBG will be the 3 bosom old ladies beside me.

Every single time Im at my worst, mad hysterical,

comfort comes in the form of Ivy my best honey.
If Im missing out on fun joy laughter, a night stroll w Fel sweetheart is cure.

And when I am utterly crushed, in need of a dance/beer

XG bao is SOS in disguise heh.

Of course the above people they are so awesome

their presence in my life far exceeds what I've quoted.

I am defensive of friends I've chosen to keep

(which means talk, hang out, update bla) as on top of anything else,

they are the very ones I view as sincere and trustworthy -

two qualities harder to find than how well a person matches you.

I am not socially adept.

Still for those I've been blessed with, I truly madly deeply

love and appreciate.


Haha sorry. Emotional night.
Happy Halloween dudes!

# 279

Only having them in visual capacity, nil words.
By excluding that part of photo memories

(which is rather inappropriate to blog of now)

I realized I am left with little to update.
 Yea also time to revamp this space.

It is a little too cheery for mood these days.


Anyway I've posted my journey with SMRT Media on fb.

From Jan - Sep 2010, including Taxis.

Not gona repost here since there's not much to write

except for very nice colleagues.

 Wenshi & Jasmine power combo. Favorite girls!!

Their endless sweet gestures;

staying late to acc me when I had to work overtime,

constantly dropping me surprises and cute notes,

duo motivation when I whineee about the hectic scope,

making sure I always have enough water etc....

Thank you thank you. I miss you dearies!

Baoz, Michelle, Jeff, Grace, Lai Yee, Adrian, Choi Wan.

Awesome people whom I really learnt a lot from.
Meaningful perspectives and advices I'll always keep in mind.

During my stint with the company, as with all workplaces

I witnessed how selfish and conceited adults get to be.

Kinda funny.

As kids we were ticked off for not sharing candies with our mates.

But now that we're not so young anymore, it seems less of a fault.

Makes me wonder if this is what growing up forces you to become.

Makes me wonder x2 if these traits are the very ones that bring us success.

Every man for himself. A survival skill.

Well I found some for me to respect and some others I didn't understand.

Dislike is too strong to put across.

In any case I'd hope to mature into the first category. 

Grateful I met a few colleagues that I can call friends. :)

# 278

When it was all fuzzy and nice.

Bursting.

# 277

Just home from lunch @Thomson with the clique.
Had sucky food but it's the company that matters.
TBG TBG TBG!
Overslept and flew out of the house just brushing teeth.

So after several disagreements (and that's to put it lightly)

hahahahhaha we are heading to Phuket coming Jan! ;D

Eggcitement.

Here's a little foresight....
please enlarge for better view

HAHAHAHAHHHAHA!!

With lots of love,

deardear

# 276

Stay-home Sat glued onto Mischievous Kiss

and enjoying Pastamania's prawn aglio delivered...

sidetrack: Favorite Korean boy :*D

heheh not that bad after all!

# 275

Whatever courage/impulse that persisted in me, I gave my all.

You're right. Because I choose to remember the good.

Yes even 40 over 60.

I believe ratio changes for better or worse depending on how much we are willing to risk.

That slight possibility I fought for, definitely worth the pain.
Somewhere down the road I might hear a 'What if'?
At least now I know I couldn't have done more.

Every flicker of bliss with you was priceless.

3.5 years to an end.

Its not about the length of romance really.

If it was 10 years - yet nil trace of love at the last stand,

wonderful memories are pointless as they can never be recreated.

I felt different about us at that very last stand.

Same warm tug in the heart, two better persons.

Still I understand the struggles within.
If this is best for us in your pov lets allow time to heal.

I cannot say thank you enough for the countless sacrifices made.

You were (are) meant to be a high-flyer, achieving great things

and our relationship was the string that kept you grounded.

Hereafter, I genuinely wish you will find happiness in life.

To forge the bonds and pursue what you want.

Thank you for supporting me through bad patches,

making me smile with your silly faces and taking care of my concerns.

Guess deep down we truly appreciate the goodness in each other.

One fact for sure, it isn't easy to meet a boy like you in our present world.
You'll always have an important place as long as Im here.

:o)

人 本来就寂寞的

借来的都该还掉

# 274

re·lief

1. The easing of a burden or distress; such as pain, anxiety, or oppression. 

2. A feeling of cheerfulness or optimism that follows the removal of anxiety, pain, or distress.
 

Resolute. Yet I struggled in turning a blind eye to my innermost feeling.

It was very real begging me to take a step forward, so I did.

Now that I've said and done all within my means
this is where the family heirloom from Dad takes place:
I cannot control the environment/people but I can fine-tune myself.
With 11001 photo memories of us on holiday etc....
(gotta face up to them sooner or later) Im really lost.

# 273

Cut-Out

第一次拥吻以前 我们找不到语言
但听见彼此灵魂多渴望永远
x
你给的每个纪念都排在床沿
相机是牵手两年 围巾是东京五天
戒指是又哭又笑的道歉
x
我不相信 你心中现在她最美
你不会你不会你不会 把我们的爱踩碎
我不相信 你口中会讲出后悔
你不会你不会你不会 不心疼
我拒绝被看见的泪
x
我不相信 走来的幸福在脱轨
你不会你不会你不会 留残酷让我面对
我不相信 累积的回忆都损毁
你不会你不会你不会 舍得我
流一滴像乞讨的泪


1*'s here faster than I expected.
Might have been unconsciously dreading it.
Time, to officially embrace the truth.
With a :o)! Go go go.

# 272

 At 711 when I caught sight of B&J's Choco Fudge Brownie.

Felt like yesterday. I know better.

Suddenly it struck me, the many "next time"s have all become invalid.

This was to be one of them.

And so on impulse (filled stomach) I bought the $5.20 ice cream.

But not at the cinema, not together.

I savoured it. On the streets, by myself. 

What an irony - sweet taste bitter heart.

# 271

Last Tues, Shorty (Smarty)-pants decided that hairs on her face were distracting.

Except for those brows of course.

And since nothing horrible happened previously on the upper lips + forehead,

she bravely told the predator waiting with strings in hand: "OK, whole face!!!"

Smarty-pants, being one, didn't pause to consider the advice given by friends:

DON'T THREAD YOUR FACE. SENSITIVE SKIN CONFIRM REACT.

 The process - bloody hell painful.

But Smarty-pants had high tolerance, was excited over "better" skin after...

Oh nonononononono. Mistake.

Two days later - worst breakout ever.

I am not kidding or exaggerating man.

Because of this ancient practice called pfffffthreading

I'VE BEEN STUCK AT HOME IN HOPES OF RECOVERY.

Cancelled all plans.

Now a week from the killer act and and I'm still healing.

Extremely slowly. Sometimes I think its even spreading.

Ugh help meeeee.

So people with very sensitive skin, please never be tempted to thread.

Others may look pretty but you'll just end up with a lot of unpleasant things on your face.

Learn to be wise.

Love, depressed Smarty-pants.

BOYCOTT THREADING!

# 270

Pining for love that might never return.

Time that is quietly slipping away.

Feelings that hasn't ceased despite all the lost pride.

Memories that will never become my present again.
  
陳綺貞 - 距離

# 269

Sammi Cheng feat. Van Ness Wu - 罪與罰

Two devout Christians, vouching for faith in collaboration:
 

It is really meaningful how their commitment towards God shine through music.

I thought the rapping was particularly good...

Not too over-the-top yet conveys the message effortlessly.

# 268

Up. At 0822.

I thought sleeping would be my best solace.

It always has been. 

But I'm beginning to dread the process.

Active mind seems to run mad everytime my head hits the pillow...

no matter how late I drag on so that I'd be exhausted.

I'm afraid now - this inability to fall asleep wears me out mentally.

Try as I might to distract myself in the day, the demons charge at me in the night.

They won't even allow me to dream.

# 267

Silent hysteria. Tonight.

# 266

A lot on my mind.

Close to imploding.

A lot to write.

But I don't know where to start.

Thought I'd have stuff to blame, or resent.

None. Nil.

Because today was very real.

Tears sang for me what lies beneath this beating heart.

All I can think of is (o: !

Face of yours, face of mine.
When we're both naturally at our best.

170207.

Will you be lonely, worn alone?

Dear God.

Give me faith in people.

For myself and for others.

 I'll always be your smallest bolster but chubby enough to be just right.

# 265

It seems strange to be typing, writing again.

This space has been empty for so long.... like my virtual life.
I'm back on track.
2 weeks since I've left the workplace.
As much as I enjoy freedom, addictive dramas, good sleep,
money is also decreasing at turbo rate.

Time to set the pace; make a final decision on choice of Uni,
get a job that pays well to support my entertainment. To save.
Life's demanding in recent months.
First there was immense stress from work, and family-ache etc...
then comes the lack of quality time to practise music,
dear friends whom I started to lose my faith in, dam skin allergy,
unrealistic expectations from people around me.
The accumulative force literally drove me into 1 hell of a corner.

Anyway coincidentally (yes at this time) I chanced upon a blog post:
"Someone once told me that life is meaningless. 
And when you finally see life for what it really is, you will choose death. 
And that is the case for most people who committed suicide. 
You say they don't see the importance of living, but I think they saw, 
and decided that whatever they had comprehended, it's not worth it. 
They are one heck of a courageous bunch."

Not written by me yet I cannot agree more.
You usually hear a mixture of 'selfish act', 'recklessness', 'cowardice'
or otherwise plain 'stupidity' when suicide is mentioned.
In general thats the point of view. But how many have been there, honestly,
and felt the nothingness in all aspects of living?

I wouldn't say it is correct,
especially if you still have people who love you in this world.
It is however a free option to be considered.
No one should be judged because no one could possibly know
how down really, is another person's down.


Update soon with overdue pictures.
Hopefully by then, I'll be chirpy-bird again!

# 264

Hello. I wonder who still checks this space.

Been busy, and apart from being busy,

I am trying to make the most out of every weekend.

Work. Such a silent killer.

No spare time for anything leisure.

Inactive on the net, Inactive in reality.

I cannot be bothered to dress up anymore

and have acquired through practice, 

the skill of sleeping on a crowded train - standing upright.

I was actually enjoying my job

until the ugliness of peoples' character start to unravel with time.

Whether in the form of mood swings, bitch fits, annoyance, quiet displeasure,

or staring daggers at each other across the meeting table....

I witness these hard facts of life with part awe, part disgust.

But I am lucky.
Amidst the not-so-fulfilling workplaces
I've always been blessed with a handful who keep me sane.
At TLL I had Jo, Stella, Jael and Xw.

Over here I met awesome friends:
W, double Js and B to inject laughter into my everyday blues.

To spur me on and give encouragement in times of shit....
yet all have either resigned or are due to leave the company soon.
:(

Will be back to update
because it's 6:32AM eyes are closing.

# 263

I see the harshness in their eyes,
eating up all trace of reliance I was born to feel, made very vulnerable to.

The emotion called happiness - Its seeping away,

crack by crack through everyday's wear and tear.

I am still able to pull my lips upward into a smile now,

count the days when that isn't possible. Soon.

Other than fate who can I kill to make this misery go away.

Can't touch fate. Can't touch the one who gave birth to me.

I grew up in a turbulent childhood flagged with chaos;

but at the very least sprinkled with innocence, warmth, sometimes love. 

Current me lives a life of angst, hate and disorientation.
Yes disorientation.

 
}

Attending a ball with Pee in a few hours....

Its his night and I should be more joyous than this.

Don't have a formal gown to look pretty in.
All the girls will be dressed in their best.

I dread such social events.
You'd have to make small talk, appear demure to match the occasion,
basically a "sit-&-smile" night.
Then again I'll be able to witness Baby in his moment of glory.
Worth it.
Wish me luck for the evening ahead.

# 262

They say good girls get fairytale endings.

My wants and naivety believes in the impossible.

Flood of water seeped through my pillow in black streaks;

It's a mixture of pain, fatigue, solitude, fear and hopelessness.

Anger in small parts.

Desperation has come and gone.

A safety float is tossed aside when your feet touches ground.

Past week's been a challenge.
Exhausting and mentally-draining.

All I needed was a safety float to surround me,

for me to Fray my arms wildly but stillll surround me.

That's when I realized.... Hell I didn't even have one.

Exact moment it hit me I started to Thrash about.

So I sank to the very bottom. My screams left me.

SOS never arrived.

At least not the colorful striped heart-shaped float I imagined.

Pictures always look too good to be true.

}Edit at 11:12PM

Geesh I was just browsing my favorite singer,

clicked on her new song Forever & Almost Always.

Now playing.

Always wanted to write a song with a story like that.

I swear I've tried more than once but this is way, way too close.

She's dam awesome.

And at this time you know.. I want to think its God. :]

So the story goes on down
The less traveled road
It's a variation on
The one I was told
And although it's not the same
It's awful close, yeah

In an ordinary fairy tale land
There's a promise of a perfect happy end
And I imagine having just short of that
Is better than nothing

So you'll be mine
Forever and almost always
And I'll be fine
Just love me when you can, yeah
And I'll wait patiently
I'll wake up everyday
Just hoping that you still care

In the corner of my mind I know too well
Oh that surely even I deserve the best
But instead of leaving
I just put the issue to bed
And outta my head

Oh and just when I believe
You've changed for good
Well you go and prove me wrong
Just like I knew you would
When I run out of second chances
You give me that look
And you're off the hook

Because you're mine
Forever and almost always
Oh and I'm fine
Just love me when you can
And I'll wait patiently
I'll wake up everyday
Just hoping that you'll still care

Oh, oh, What am I still doing here
Oh, oh, It's all becoming so clear

You'll be mine
Forever and almost always
It ain't right
To just love me when you can, Oh
I won't wait patiently
Or wake up everyday
Just hoping that you'll still care

Forever and almost always
No it ain't right
To just love me when you can, baby
Ain't gonna wait patiently
I won't wake up everyday
Just hoping that you still care.

# 261

2nd day into my new workplace.

I am fucking unfriendly.

I want to interact and know them better,

somehow the voice gets stuck in my throat.

Why?

:(