Four lessons.
Another night at the poolside. Sounds good? Not when it's pitch dark, bats flying over your head and you're tired but too scared to fall asleep. Strange how we can get used to this. Went home at 6, forced myself to a 10:00 meeting. My head was splitting. What a horrible feeling.
Recently I was told: every one in our life is put there to teach us something. Here is what she taught me.
1. To be contented.
She had a good loving husband and two children. In terms of material possessions, it was sufficient. But all her life she wanted perfection. If it was not to her expectations... it wasn't perfect. Not her husband who tried so hard, never her own children. Other-people-kids were always better. Only contented people will see good, and receive more of that.
2. To reflect.
She blamed, still blames every one of us. Time to time we should reflect on our actions and our thoughts. We may not be wrong. But we are also never completely right. I have never heard her apologize. Not once. And sorry is the simplest and most sincere word to muster.
3. To take control of myself. Not others.
Recently I was told: every one in our life is put there to teach us something. Here is what she taught me.
1. To be contented.
She had a good loving husband and two children. In terms of material possessions, it was sufficient. But all her life she wanted perfection. If it was not to her expectations... it wasn't perfect. Not her husband who tried so hard, never her own children. Other-people-kids were always better. Only contented people will see good, and receive more of that.
2. To reflect.
She blamed, still blames every one of us. Time to time we should reflect on our actions and our thoughts. We may not be wrong. But we are also never completely right. I have never heard her apologize. Not once. And sorry is the simplest and most sincere word to muster.
3. To take control of myself. Not others.
My mother is proof that if you try to control every person and thing along with your ideals, you may still end up with nothing. There is no purpose in controlling others. It is normal to hope for things to go our way but only so much we can attempt. Oh temper especially, we must remember that temper brings out the worst in any situation. I've failed repeatedly in keeping my calm when it comes to her. But I will learn to take control of myself. So important.
4. That genuine love isn't about self-interest.
4. That genuine love isn't about self-interest.
She said she loves Dad. But we honestly don't believe so. She never bothered if he was happy, whether he's tired or asked about his troubles at work. Even at such a young age, we could see all the happiness sucked out from our father. He was literally going through the routines to fulfil his role as husband and father. But no she couldn't tell. I believe when we love someone... we naturally find ways and means to know, take care of and pay attention to him. Even after all these years she is oblivious to who we are on the inside. That's quite sad isn't it.
I made this list not to criticize. As I sat alone the anger dissipated. And I think I love her because at times I do get very sad still. But I have gotten so afraid of these quarrels turning me into someone I am not. I go to lengths to avoid them. I would give up comfort, a rested mind and body, even confront my worst fears in order to get away. I just want to keep myself.
I made this list not to criticize. As I sat alone the anger dissipated. And I think I love her because at times I do get very sad still. But I have gotten so afraid of these quarrels turning me into someone I am not. I go to lengths to avoid them. I would give up comfort, a rested mind and body, even confront my worst fears in order to get away. I just want to keep myself.
