Dumbfounded.
I haven't texted him 'Thank you', as I normally would after every lift home. I think he has heard enough of Thank yous in the period of our friendship. It's probably not what he wants to hear the most. When I saw him at that same spot with the present, my heart sank. It sank because I knew I would definitely be touched by what I was going to see and it sank at the realization that this could be the start of another cold war. If we had hit a raw spot. After all the episodes we've gone through, he seems to find the will to give again. Although he didn't mention anything last night.
It was almost impossible to be unmoved.
I haven't texted him 'Thank you', as I normally would after every lift home. I think he has heard enough of Thank yous in the period of our friendship. It's probably not what he wants to hear the most. When I saw him at that same spot with the present, my heart sank. It sank because I knew I would definitely be touched by what I was going to see and it sank at the realization that this could be the start of another cold war. If we had hit a raw spot. After all the episodes we've gone through, he seems to find the will to give again. Although he didn't mention anything last night.
I feel like my Thank yous have become a form of disappointment to him. I'm a little tired of disappointing someone whose best intentions has been to add to my happiness and take care of my well-being. Conditionally or unconditionally... I cannot deny the genuineness of his actions. I do not care much for male friends who come and go but J is obviously more than a guest appearance in life. I desperately want to keep this friend close. There are many things about him that I appreciate. Some days the niceness amplifies; I notice him allowing me extra patience or that softer tone of voice. I want to strangle him, ask why he hasn't listened at all, to set his horizons wider in seeking what he deserves. Or maybe he has. Maybe this is a friendly gesture that requires no return. I don't know.
It doesn't matter how many times I believe I've made my stand clear. I wish I was able to cut my heart open for a moment, just so I can prove it isn't that I am unfeeling or proud. I simply have zero capacity inside, to hold a second person at this point in time. For a long time. I will continue even if I'm alone in my own wait until these feelings are displaced.
Nevertheless this is the most sincere Christmas gift I have received. It is my favorite. Thank you for the awesome arts and craft session, and thank you for such a privilege.
It doesn't matter how many times I believe I've made my stand clear. I wish I was able to cut my heart open for a moment, just so I can prove it isn't that I am unfeeling or proud. I simply have zero capacity inside, to hold a second person at this point in time. For a long time. I will continue even if I'm alone in my own wait until these feelings are displaced.
Nevertheless this is the most sincere Christmas gift I have received. It is my favorite. Thank you for the awesome arts and craft session, and thank you for such a privilege.
