No one understands. No one except Daddypops and Punkie. It is quite sad to imagine my future partner and children would never be able to comprehend this part of me. Every one of us we have our unique set of problems. Some struggle financially at a young age. I know there are drunken fathers and gambler mothers. I know of people who lost their fathers or mothers along the way. There are also orphans. A broken family is nothing uncommon.
But how it is like living with someone sick (mentally and emotionally) - whom never came to terms with it - is beyond what normal people can fathom. To have dramatic, unpleasant memories etched into the mind daily. To watch our father tormented after long hard days at work and to see my sister beaten up real bad. Canes, feather dusters, hangers and belts. To witness their change from warm souls to cold creatures with a lot of resentment. It was a horrible childhood. I never found peace in one day, not even on 'family' trips. I am happy they are free now.
I am not. Because I beared less of the brunt while they were still here, I've spent recent years repaying triple. It is not yet my time to move. Sometimes I consider remaining in this house out of pity for her. But after what happened, I cannot be more sure about what I need to do for myself.
Been the longest time since I lost control. Sad to say.... that monster within me resurfaced today. It was the first day of the week I could finally stay home. I shelved all plans and appointments just to get a good rest. I got war instead. It was the fucking last, of the lastest straw when she actually threw my keyboard?! She was hysterical and the level of my own madness was on par. 10% logic reminded me to breathe, 90% feelings cracked with "This woman is crazy!!"
I was already in angry tears by the time Dad called. The quarrel had escalated into serious shit. He told me to go take a walk downstairs but I stayed in my room while he talked sense into her over the phone. I kept trying to picture happier things. It didn't work. All I heard was her voice going on and on outside. Suddenly I felt extremely tired, upset, hurt... I was at a complete loss and angry of course. I wasn't joking. But I definitely wasn't thinking straight when I texted Dad the following
I agree. If I were a parent and my child entertained the slightest thought of suicide, without hesitation I'd scold him upside down inside out. The only reason Dad did not reprimand me but continuously spammed my phone after this message, was because he fully understands that this woman infuriates us to the extent we may lose all rationality. She is that capable.
How crazy is crazy? It takes years of going through similar environment, experiencing the heartaches that gives an answer to how crazy is crazy. And it is this shared understanding that will forever bond Daddy, Punkie and myself in a manner no one else understands. I read inspirational books to become stronger and better. Obviously no amount of self-help can curb this one, ugliest side of me. It is utterly fragile. It is unforgiving and it is angry. I hate it so much.
;( :( ;( :( ;( :( ;( :( ;( :( :( :( :( :(
How do we treat someone with love when she is the opposite of love? If it is possible I really want to learn. Angels please.
