OVER, AND DONE WITH.
(Post contains 1000000 words)
I wish I could say this is about you... it's not. I can't.
Friends have been my family all these years. I try to be the best I can to my closest girls and I still will.
When it comes to you I'll need a little more time.
I am however, over and done with attachment – to women. Yes.
Lately I've had a troubled few days over friends I called my closest.
What is wrong with women these days? You've got a problem, fucking communicate, properly.
I dislike it when girls show their friends (whether myself or others) attitude.
For whatever reason it is absolutely unnecessary.
We are all flawed in our own ways with different standards of behavior and expectations.
But we are also mature adults. We should be able to vocalize our thoughts nicely.
That is, if the friendship is mutually valued.
Tension is inherently present when we show displeasure yet ignore the problem upfront.
Why would people who genuinely care for a friendship do that?
Why would people who genuinely care for a friendship do that?
It is so easy to cut short a conversation midsentence.
It is so easy to become temperamental and fuck the feelings of your friend.
It is so easy but I don't.
Because what goes uncommunicated leads up to misunderstandings and I don't want that.
I see no problem in losing some pride for the sake of working things out.
Because what goes uncommunicated leads up to misunderstandings and I don't want that.
I see no problem in losing some pride for the sake of working things out.
I don't need to be right. I will apologize even if I may not agree to an extent.
So... it's definitely been disappointing.
So... it's definitely been disappointing.
Had a super duper long H2H with Big Sis yesterday.
I used to think it's not how long we've known a person that matters, but how well we know them.
I forgot that time IS the essence.
Time constructs our fundamental understanding of human beings.
We grow to truly appreciate one's character through years of cumulative moments together.
And that's why long-time friends never turn their backs on you based on change, petty judgements or assumptions.
Long-time friends remember who you are. They love you even when things spiral out of agreement.
'New' friends on the other hand go as easily as they had seemed to come through.
Punkie then went on to diagnose me.
“I will tell you what disease you have: the 'too-nice' disease. And it is very serious.”
She pointed to the fact that I always had the tendency to overcompensate those important to me.
I never had a strong sense of self since young... which according to her makes it worse.
Like if people got angry with or ignored me it wasn't because they were being bitchy/petty/unreasonable.
It was surely something I did wrong.
No doubt it's a good trait to reflect – but problem here was that I didn't do it objectively.
I didn't have a firm stand on what I felt was right or wrong.
Out of habit I'd compromise blindly just to mend any sad cracks.
And when you do that in the long-run... people don't see effort. They see convenience.
I allowed these friends to take my purpose for granted.
I set the bar so low it became alright to be rude as long as they weren't happy.
Punkie asked me questions that got me wondering. How long have I known these people?
She scolded me (gently lah) that in reaching out to them once, twice, even thrice was demeaning to myself.
She scolded me (gently lah) that in reaching out to them once, twice, even thrice was demeaning to myself.
I honestly don't mind if it was worth it. I gota admit, it really wasn't.
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| Indeed. |
Friends have been my family all these years. I try to be the best I can to my closest girls and I still will.
Except from here forth only to the right ones and a handful whom fully deserve it.
No one sees it better than Punkie. I respect her to the moon not because she's my sister, but rather as an individual.
She's been through so much on her own. And she has always kept such a strong sense of identity.
I'm really glad that I have someone like her, to help put my complicated feelings into simple perspective.
Someone who reminds me to love myself better.
Someone who makes up for my many weaknesses with her strength. (:
Someone who makes up for my many weaknesses with her strength. (:
P.S. Words in bold are reminder. They were repeated a couple of times hahaha.
§
I am also over and done with naivety.
Zip up, and live in silence Carol.
There's no need to explain anything. No need to win over the numbers.
No need to wait or hold anyone close.
It is only when you finally live as such.... that you are left with the rare gems.
They believe you as others doubt. They will stay even as you leave.
You will no longer stay for those who leave.
You will no longer stay for those who leave.
Also everything, and I mean everything, is best kept to yourself.
No more 'one' or 'two' or 'three' persons you thought walked into your trust-locker.
When relationships expire (and it will) they walk out again with your secrets in the open.
And there's no more saying what can or cannot be exploited and sabotaged.
Suddenly I can understand why some people keep everything to themselves.
There's no room for naivety in this world.
Trust is really just an element that exists in the moment. No saying forever.
§
I feel like a 100-year-old right now. I feel exhausted typing heavy subject matter.
But I am also thankful to realize which friends to hold on to, and which of those I'll have to let out of my life.
I had wanted to write about something else but let's leave it for another time.
This is more than enough to digest for the night.
What would I do without this space to type type type type type.
Goodnight real world!
Hello bedtime plug-in ►
Goodnight real world!
Hello bedtime plug-in ►
Like a heartbeat drives you mad
In the stillness of remembering
What you had and what you lost
Of what you had and what you lost
Thunder only happens when it’s raining
Players only love you when they’re playing
Women they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean you'll know
In the stillness of remembering
What you had and what you lost
Of what you had and what you lost
Thunder only happens when it’s raining
Players only love you when they’re playing
Women they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean you'll know
You'll know
