Spent a whole two hours at the gym earlier.
45 minutes on my favorite elliptical machine, 40 minutes on the treadmill, leftover time for toning and weights.
Stretched my limits so that I'll feel tired (by now), and just fall into a damn deep sleep.
Stretched my limits so that I'll feel tired (by now), and just fall into a damn deep sleep.
Already 2AM. Nope.
I'm feeling tired lately. Maybe it's the quarter century crisis I don't know.
Masks
I was trying to analyze this sadness in the shower. I put on multiple masks a day.
No not your beauty masks nor the two-faced fakefriend sort of mask.
I'm talking about masks you have to put on to get through life.
But lately I'm really, really feeling the weight of these every day masks. Different ones for different people.
Towards the mother I have to be perfect, polite, very tolerant. When all I want to do is scream at her it's enough.
Towards my best friends, I need to focus although right now I have zero excess energy.
I genuinely want to listen to their problems and help... I hate it when I fail to reply them promptly at times.
Towards that one person, I try to strike this awkward balance of understanding what he wants
and remembering to add on the occasional smile or 'hahaha' so we will not be fine fine, but fine outwardly.
My mask laughs off some assumptions I feel uncomfortable with.
and remembering to add on the occasional smile or 'hahaha' so we will not be fine fine, but fine outwardly.
My mask laughs off some assumptions I feel uncomfortable with.
Towards acquaintances I keep up the outgoing, chill pill personality they have associated me with from the beginning.
Soon I'll be job-searching with yet another mask - yeahh the one everyone wears out in the working environment.
For our bosses, colleagues, clients.
That is a lot of faces to wear every day. It's getting heavier and stripping itself bit by bit.
No good to give away how downright emotional we actually might be.
I don't want the signs to appear but apparently they already have.
People are starting to ask why am I unusually quiet.
I had thought I would be alright, writing often, typing here now and then;
I thought as long as I threw it all out in words I'd be truly happy in my physical being. In the social world.
I thought as long as I threw it all out in words I'd be truly happy in my physical being. In the social world.
That said, I wish I could feel and express everything about myself honestly.
I wish I was free to do so, even if what I felt and expressed were slanted to being somehow, selfish.
When will gymming feel like pure adrenaline again?
More like desperate run-away sessions lately.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
