Starbucks crew are the dope.
Damn, I forgot no nets beyond 2AM and they treated me to fave GTRB (again!).
Damn, I forgot no nets beyond 2AM and they treated me to fave GTRB (again!).
Small gestures like these really makes one's day.
This place is second home. Good memories mostly.
This place is second home. Good memories mostly.
The reason for several newfound friends.
Left home after a heated quarrel today.... which explains the 3rd line.
Don't you wish there was someone to conveniently pin all the blame on sometimes?
But the mother doesn't understand 'cause and effect' theory
and how she single-handedly drove everyone away. Away from her.
Thus away from me.
and how she single-handedly drove everyone away. Away from her.
Thus away from me.
I still feel bitter about not being able to stay with Punkie.
We always travel such a distance to see each other.
I am just grateful these years apart haven't changed our relationship
because my sister is most important person in my world.
Then I have to sneak around, telling lies in order to meet Daddypops.
Then I have to sneak around, telling lies in order to meet Daddypops.
I have to act like I don't speak to him much.
God knows I want to be filial to her.
God knows how desperately I try to tolerate the noise.
God also knows how carefully I tread in my own home, every single day.
Like a prisoner. One wrong move and BAMM it is war.
When the Devil in me threatens to surface --
I calm myself, I meditate, I blast music to distract my hurt or anger.
Sometimes it works. Other times I crack.
There will never be a chance with peace.
In the end I am only human as I go through the same path as my dad and sister.
The hope that she would one day realize her mistake, and fix this;
The hope that she would one day realize her mistake, and fix this;
the hope that we shall be able to enjoy a genuinely blissful mother-daughter relationship,
it dies a little more with every fight.
These tears they are colorful.
They are heartbreakingly sad. They are angry.
I often saw them coming from Punkie in the past.
The mother doesn't hear the pain behind our words.
She chooses to believe and accuse, that none of us cherish family.
But her facts are messed up since all we ever needed, wanted was a family.
She puts herself on a pedestal for 'family' to worship.
We were (I still am) puppets made to follow 10 001 rules and regulations.
This is love as defined by her.
You know, I tuck away the bad memories.
But somehow there's a fucked up refresh button within our pain-seeking minds.
It is hard not to remember that look of contempt when she said
"You deserve it." two days after the end of my 4-year relationship.
She didn't know a thing. It was simply to her, a weapon of +565 damage.
My dad on the other hand sent a long text message.
That message alone helped me to get back on my feet.
As long as this cracked part of me exists I am in no position to love.
How can I? Almost two years alone (sort of)
and I still detach from people in time, fearful of becoming dependent on one person.
and I still detach from people in time, fearful of becoming dependent on one person.
That is exactly why feelings for ff shouldn't have gotten far. It did.
But he's another story for another time.
Until I move out and reconnect with the smile I was born with
perhaps I might never be secure enough to love.
 |
| :*) |
No matter how awfully difficult it is to keep up with the mother's kind of love,
whenever I imagine the emptiness inside if I were to lose her for good....
someone whom I have lived with all my life although mostly unhappily,
I return home half-repaired, determined to face her with a bigger heart.
Good morning. I am going home now.
After a repeat of this song that chases away my #Blue(s).
Good morning. I am going home now.
After a repeat of this song that chases away my #Blue(s).
